Madness Is All In The Mind

Sex, Cake & Disappointing Sandwiches

2012-02-11T20:42:00.000Z

Following the slight* setback after moving down to London for a new job and the subsequent struggle it brought me, I have started a new job this week. It's back in the retail area of things, which in any other situation, I'd probably be really unhappy about, but in the situation we're all in, thanks to a bunch of smug, suit-wearing TWATS, none of us can be too picky about such things.

At the end of the day, I've been working in retail for nearly 10 years, so I have plenty of experience. Add to that the fact I'm working in one of the best places you can imagine (no, not a sex and cake emporium. Much better than that), coupled with the fact that everyone there is really nice, helpful and insane in a good way and you can pretty much see why I'm very happy about this job, but not in a smug way, because firstly, I know a lot of people out there who are still struggling to find a job and secondly, I'm not a cock.

Away from the work side of things, I've been getting back into reading, as I'm trying to stop myself from constantly going on the tube and going apeshit in the shops during my spare time. I decided that if I spend my money on some books instead of every single kind of coffee under the tossing Sun (seriously, how many fucking kinds of coffee are there now!? And why the shit am I even writing about this!? I don't know, let's close this bracket right now and put a stop to it. Yes. Ok, then. Well do it!), then I can use up my free time reading, rather than buying shite I don't really need.

Unsure of what to go for, I decided to ask for suggestions on Twitter. My lovely (and often amusingly sweary) friend Amy suggested I get hold of the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend, as she knew that I'd stupidly never really given them much attention before. So, given that Amy was the very same person who got me hooked on Mad Men, I went out and bought the first 2 diaries, just to start with. I sat down and read the first one in the space of an evening, purely because I just could not put it down. Pure genius from start to finish. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't read them yet, but they have all been re-released this year to celebrate 30 years since the first book came out. You can find out more information About Adrian Mole and the wonderful Sue Townsend here.

In other news, I had a really disappointing sandwich this afternoon. Tomorrow, I may go back to the shop I got it from and suggest they change it's name from "Cheese & Ham" to "Disappointment & Meh". I probably won't though.

*Absolute shit-curdling, sexually-transmitted military installation of a

Special Lanyards & Snobs

2012-02-04T18:18:00.000Z

Fandom is a funny old thing. At its best, it brings like-minded people together to share in their love of something, meet up, have a laugh, swap stories, maybe even go beyond friendship and form relationships, get married etc, etc. On the flip side, it brings out the worst in people: the arse-licking, piggy-backing, opinionated, creepy two-facedness.

As a lot of you will know, I am a fan of many things. ~~A lot~~ Most of them are TV-related, so you might be thinking that I'm just talking about fandom related to TV programmes, but under the surface, all fandom is exactly the same when it comes to the light and dark sides.

I have met so many lovely people over the years through being a fan of various things. There are loads of people I talk to online and many I have gone on to meet several times, all because we found we shared a love of a certain programme or suchlike. I think it's pretty amazing that what may be seen to many as "just a cult TV show", for example, can be the starting point for so many friendships all over the world. I'm aware I am sounding borderline cheesy here, but just think about it.

For example, way, way back in 2001, I joined the official forum for The Bill. I was fairly new to the internet then, but I soon made friends with lots of people on there. One person on there - Jamie - had an intriguing profile picture showing a Cyberman standing at a bus stop. Intrigued, I asked him if he was a Doctor Who fan and what the picture was about. After saying he was one of many DW fans on the forum, he told me that the picture in question related to a bit of an in-joke relating to both shows (Graham Cole, who was PC Stamp in The Bill, had previously been a Cyberman in a few Doctor Who stories and was also in a certain Kenny Everett sketch, fact fans...) and we just kept talking, really. The forum has long closed, but we are still in touch and are good mates. That is just one story of many, but it proves that there can be a really good side to fandom.

On the other hand, there is a twatty, wanky side to it. It usually starts (in my experience) with the bullshitters who claim to know more than anybody else in that particular fan group, making all sorts of boasts, from the small and ridiculous, to the downright creepy and injunction-flirting. Your basic bullshitter can easily be dealt with (in all walks of life as well as in the awkward bastard world of fandom), but those that are a few steps up from that can be a little more... persistent, shall we say. Sometimes, you can tell they are just over-passionate about that subject of fandom, but in other circumstances, they're pure cock-waving bin shits of the highest order, intent on causing no-end of trouble, just for some attention.

To a degree, that's one area of fandom that most people tend to get used to, or have ways of dealing with/ignoring it. For me, I often find keeping clear of forums is the best way if it's purely online shite such people are dealing out, as these people tend to keep away from offline meetings, as they only feel comfortable and cocky when hiding behind a computer screen. It's when you get to know people away from the internet, that you truly encounter the worst side of fandom: The snobs.

With the snobs of fandom, I often find that they are the ones who get lucky and love rubbing it in people's faces. Either via constant arse-licking and favours, or just by being in the right place at the right time, these people manage to obtain some sort of serious "clout" within fandom and love making the most of every opportunity to let everyone know about it. They get given a special lanyard or pass, which of course rightfully allows them privileges such as backstage access, front-row priority seating or something similar, but for the snobs, it changes them. They're now in the special club and they are suddenly better than all the other fans... or so they think.

Just think about it, anyone who indulges in the fandom element of something will know what I mean. The power - or rather the special lanyard - changes them. They suddenly have no time for fellow fans who they have known for some time, because they suddenly think they have the right to get all starry and only talk to the subjects of their fandom.

I would just like to point out that not everyone in that sort of situation becomes a snob. There are those out there who may well get excited at having that extra bit of involvement, but it doesn't change them. You still want to talk to them, rather than use their faces to store things like broken glass, concrete and fire. For instance, I have helped out at a fair few events centred around film and TV fandom that give people the chance to meet the stars of their favourite films and TV shows. As a result, I get to spend entire weekends sat next to people I have admired on TV and the big screen since I was little and talk to them about all sorts of things, hear stories and just have a good time.

At the end of the day, these people are just like us. If you have a long enough to chat to them (and you don't have to be in the same situation), you'll find that most famous people are no different to us. Of course, you get the wanky ones who make a name for themselves through being twat-shitting tit bombs, but they fall soon enough and that is my point. In the world of fandom, it is only enjoyable if everyone behaves as an equal.

Like life in general, it starts to turn to shit when people stick their heads up their own, or other people's arses.

The Pissy Corn Flakes Of Uncertainty

2012-02-02T12:06:00.000Z

This past week has been a strange one. Since being let go from my last job after a matter of days, everything has changed from being hopeful into a huge piss-pot of uncertainty. The last week has been a strange mix of frantically applying for jobs, meeting up with friends and doing tourist-type shit. Some of it has been good, a lot of it has been a huge fuckpile of shit-arranging ARGH.

Basically.

It has been a struggle to say the least. Add to that, the giant, steam-powered twat-hall of a cold I've had too, it's not been the best of weeks. Still, on the other hand, I have had a lot of time to think about things and weigh up my options. I'm trying to remain positive and realistic. It's a hard balance, as there is that constant nagging feeling that somewhere out there, some wank-activated air bag is having a bloody good laugh at my expense, yet I know I have a few options open to me.

Options and opportunities that I can go for, because at the end of the day, that's how I ended up down here in London: I saw an opportunity and I took it. Ok, so it pissed on my Corn Flakes, but I gave it a go at the end of the day. As a result, I've decided to do less pondering and more doing. You only live once and all that jizz. For ages people have said to me that I should carry a notebook and pen around with me incase I get some script ideas whilst I'm out and about, so the other day, I bought a Moleskine, a pen and pencil and you know what? I've actually been sodding well writing in it! And it feels good.

Bollocks to the aforementioned wank-activated air bag, because no matter how this all turns out, it's given me a lot to think about and shit loads to go out and do and you know what? Double bollocks to the pissy Corn Flakes of uncertainty, because I'm enjoying the whole experience.

Giraffe

2012-01-26T20:56:00.001Z

So, it has been one hell of an odd week, packing all my things up at short notice, saying lots of goodbyes and moving down to London with just a suitcase and 2 bags full of stuff, at least until I get get my own place. In some ways it's nice living with a reduced amount of belongings, but bloody hell, I'm missing so much of my stuff. I'm also missing a lot of people, if I'm honest, but I knew it would be hard in that respect.

It feels great to be finally down here, though. As for the job... well... after a very brief time, they've let me go. It was a fundraising-based job with a heavy reliance on targets and I just wasn't meeting them. It's a complete load of shitting bum-powder that this has happened, but I can understand to a degree and I always knew deep down, that it would be a very tough job. Still... fuck.

Again, the hunt for a job down here resumes and the nerves and pissing uncertainty set in again. The CV has been updated once again and on the hunt I must go. Also, this paragraph has quickly turned into a load of mint and pepper-flavoured Giraffe spunk.

Anyway, today has got me thinking about various things, stepping back and looking at everything. I've got options to consider, but I haven't got all the time in the world. Fucking time, you evil shitcake.

Not really got much else to say right now. I'm currently in a thoughtful, reflective mood and I've no idea how to wrap this blog post up.

Hmmm...

Vomit Sex.

The 11th Hour

2012-01-17T21:52:00.000Z

Well, after what has been an uncertain few months after being told my job would cease to exist, my subsequent decision to move to London and the job hunt it spawned, I have finally secured a job down there, practically at the 11th hour.

This last week has been quite hectic to say the least, after getting an interview, which I went down to London for, then after a long weekend, I had to go back down there for a 2nd interview. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, I finally got the call to say they want me to start in a week! It's all a bit sudden and - I'll admit - a bit scary, but I am so pleased and relieved that I've done it.

I would just like to say thank you to all of my friends and indeed the strangers that have been very helpful and supportive during these last few months, especially all of you lovely people on Twitter. You have all been fantastic and very patient, especially when I've been in an unbearable mood.

Not sure what else to say right now, as it's still kind of sinking in as I write this. The next few days are going to be very crazy indeed and no-doubt stressful, but it's finally happening and without wanting to sound too smug or twatty, it proves that if you really want something and you put your mind to it, then it'll happen. So, if you've set yourself a particular goal this year, then go for it and the very best of luck... unless your goal is world domination or to marry Chris Moyles or something... then... just... no. Never.

No.

Ying Yang, Sat Nav & Nipples

2012-01-09T18:02:00.000Z

Call me cynical (I prefer it if you use my name, although I am fairly cynical, so it might as well be my name. Oh, shut up and read on, you awkward piss weeds... love you really...), but every kind of relationship is a love/hate one.

All relationships, when you look at them, exist on the same principles of Ying and Yang, Ant and Dec and all that jazz (come on, we all have one of the latter two that we hate. For me, it's Ant*). The worst ones are those that are supposedly "romantic" relationships consisting of an absolute arse-breeding platform of a wank carpet and a long-suffering partner who has no reason to be part of said relationship. We all know of at least one couple like this.

There is another kind of relationship that we have all embraced at some point in our lives, sometimes with open arms and excitement, other times with our arms twisted behind our backs and a car battery connected to our nipples. I'm talking about technology. Yes, that curious bastard. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for technology, when it actually improves things (I can still remember the dark old days, when Google Image Search didn't exist, so you'd be pretty screwed if you didn't have access to a book full of pictures of random cats), but a thought occurred to me recently as at work, we received posters to display in the window, giving the date our store would be closing and the location of the nearest store after we've gone.

That in itself isn't anything to do with technology, but it struck me as odd at first that the map showing the location of said store is accompanied by the full address and postcode of the place. It just seemed that printing the postcode was too much information and a little pointless, until I realised that it was for the benefit of people who have sat nav systems in their cars. Personally, I'm not a fan of sat nav systems. I prefer to use an actual, physical map and the traffic updates on the radio, as it's a fairly cheap and easy system if you do it correctly. It was just seeing the postcode as part of the directions that got me thinking... as technology progresses and evolves, it seems to need more personal information from us in order to simplify our lives and make us love it.

It wasn't all that long ago that all people needed to get hold of you was your home telephone number and if somebody needed to find your house, you would only have to tell them the street it was on, the number and possibly what colour it was or what car to look out for outside. Since technology has evolved and become a bigger part of our lives, it has made things easier, but only if we reveal more information. You need to give people, your home and mobile numbers, your full address and postcode and in some cases your email address too. That's not so bad if it's someone you actually know who needs this information, but if it's for a one-off delivery or something, it just feels a bit... iffy.

If a relative stranger wanted us to be so precise and forthcoming with such personal details 20 years ago, they'd be told to sod off and you'd be on the phone to the Police quicker than you could say "AAAAARGHTHEY'RECOMINGTOGETMEOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHBLOODYBUTTERYSODDINGFUCKTROUSERS!!!"

Maybe I'm being a bit paranoid about such things, but I do wonder how long it will be before conversations such as the following take place:

"Hey, Steve, I've got one of those new, generic super-smart phones, but I've not been able to transfer my contacts over from my old phone. Can I have your..."

"...Yeah, sure, it's 0748..."

"...No, you don't need to give me your number. It's got this new built-in software that finds the complete contact details for people just by putting in a few simple details."

"Oh, wow, really? Well, what do you need, then?"

"Just your postcode..."

"MK7 2QB"

"...Then your bank details, the code for your burglar alarm and your wife's bra size."

Probably sooner than you think.

*Or Dec. Or both.

How To Make The Most Of 2012... Maybe

2012-01-02T21:42:00.000Z

So, 2011 has been and gone. Done. Finished. Fucked off. Gone to Coventry. It is an ex-year. You get the idea. 2012 is still a new, fresh year. Still innocent. Still... *shrugs shoulders*...

Anyway, most people like to mark the start of a new year by ~~getting pissed out of their cockending skull-bones~~ making a list of personal resolutions, which usually end up broken and shoved in a skip, wrapped in an old, soggy carpet within days. But for this year, I have been thinking about some of the things that might make this year better than the pile of sick that 2011 turned out to be. Here it goes...

The term "foodgasm" being replaced with "really nice food"
An end to "Ciao" being used by people who have no connections to Italy, as it is no-longer 1991
Playful Kittens should be available on long train/bus/plane journeys to help ease tension and boredom and... well, just because...
More people being made aware of this and this
A reduction of text speak, especially when a standard QWERTY keyboard is being used
The banning of Chris Moyles
More people smiling and learning to use the words "please" and "thank you"
A general reduction of fuckwittery everywhere
Buses being fitted with ejector seats to deal with wankfaces who insist on blasting shit music through their phone speakers and self-important twat-halls who refuse to give up their seats for the elderly and/or pregnant etc.
The right to use a taser in the magazine section of WHSmith
The right to use a taser on groups of people who spread out across a wide pavement
The right to use a taser on twats in general
The re-introduction of respect as a general concept, rather than as a meaningless, "cool" word... possibly by using tasers

And most importantly:

Some people should take things less seriously

More tasers.

Just One More Thing...

2011-12-31T18:51:00.000Z

I shall keep this short and sweet, like a kitten...

(Go and look at a picture of a kitten now, because I can't be bothered to find one and upload it. Then come back.)

I just wanted to say something on the last day of the year, because every other fucker is doing so and to be honest, I really want to.

Basically, this year has been a twat in many ways, on a worldwide scale and on a personal level. I started 2011 on sick leave from my old job, quickly diagnosed with depression and put on medication. I eventually got a new job, only for all of us to be told our store would be closing within months (and as I write this, 3 weeks time...). Aside from that, loads of other shit has been going on and I really mean that in the negative.

On the other hand, there have been some positives... not many, but when you reach a truly low ebb, the slightest of things can really make the difference. On top of that, I know that no matter how shite things have got this year, there are people out there who have gone through a hell of a lot worse.

Well, here we are, the end of 2011. Right now, I'm stressed, worried and uncertain as to what my immediate future holds, to be brutally honest, but I'm looking forward to 2012, not in any knowledge that it will be fantastic, but with the determination that I'll do my absolute cocking best to make it a good one.

And I hope you share that sentinment too. Have a very, very Happy New Year, be good, be happy, be positive, be safe and thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. It really means a lot.

See you next year.

With Love xxx

You can puke now.

Calling London - Update

2011-12-29T15:52:00.004Z

If you're a regular reader, you'll no-doubt recall my post from last month asking if anyone had a London-based job they could offer me starting in January.

Well, so far, nothing has come through starting that early, so I would like to change my request a little and ask if any of you lovely people out there know of, or can offer me a temp job starting mid-January in London. It's still a big ask with such little time, but there seem to be more temp jobs out there than any other kind right now and if it will get me set up down there and is completely legal, I would love to hear about it. If you can help, please contact me via Twitter (link in the right column) or email me: (Email address removed - no-longer required)

If you really can help, please do. Thanks for reading, as always.

A Christmas Message

2011-12-25T21:22:00.000Z

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'll let that sink in before I go on.

No, really.

You ok, now? Good.

It seems that people have slightly misunderstood my attitude and general tone of late, in relation to Christmas. The term "Scrooge" has been used quite a few times and to be honest, it has really pissed me off. Not once have I been against it all. Not once have I said "Fuck Christmas" or wanted to kick the whole season in the face.

I love Christmas when it's done properly. The only problem I've had this year is that I've just not been able to get into the spirit. Read that last sentence again. Now think about Scrooge. He didn't want to be in the Christmas spirit. He hated it all. I, on the other hand, just haven't been able to get into it. I've just had too much to think about, mainly the immediate future, as in a few weeks I'll be out of a job and so far my plans and hopes haven't really progressed, so stressed really isn't the word. There has been other stuff going on as well, so it's just been hard to get into Christmas this year.

Today has been good, though and I'm now back at home, having a peaceful night to myself and despite not being as Christmassy as I had hoped to be, I tried. I even said "Merry Christmas" to people. People I don't know. Some of them said it in return and smiled. Some of them didn't bother. So, who's the Scrooge?

Anyway, enough! I just wanted to say something. Now, I hope you've all had a lovely day and even if Christmas isn't your thing for whatever reason, I hope you have had a nice day doing other stuff.

Merry Christmas and thank you for reading!

Watch The Bastards Don't Steal Your Phone (A Song)

2011-12-21T22:15:00.000Z

A bit of fun. Sing to the tune of Shakin' Stevens' "Merry Christmas Everyone"

People falling allaround me

Chavs are throwing snowand stones

It's the season toreally lose your temper

Watch the bastardsdon't steal your phone

Groups of posh sods intrendy theme bars

Drinking cocktails allday long

Spending money likethere's no tomorrow

Hence the world isgoing wrong

They wanna start a riottonight

Smash and burn shopfronts

Thieving all and sundry

They'll run from theblue lights

Government's sayingthat we'll be paying

For the damage as wefeared

On top that there'sanother raise in taxes

Merry Christmas, happynew year

(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

They wanna start a riottonight

Smash and burn shopfronts

Thieving all and sundry

They'll run from theblue lights

People falling allaround me

Chavs are throwing snowand stones

It's the season toreally lose your temper

Watch the bastardsdon't steal your phone

Oooh, watch thebastards don't steal your phone

(KEY CHANGE)

Late night shoppingfrom November

Kindness replaced byacts of war

Queue-jumpers ask“Where's your Christmas spirit?”

Punch the fuckers tothe floor

Late night shoppingfrom November

Kindness replaced byacts of war

Queue-jumpers ask“Where's your Christmas spirit?”

Punch the fuckers tothe floor

People falling allaround me

Chavs are throwing snowand stones

It's the season toreally lose your temper

Watch the bastardsdon't steal your phone

Punch the fuckers tothe floor

Face/Off

2011-12-16T18:54:00.000Z

I did something quite bold this week. A big step. Something that would probably make some people shit themselves inside out with shock. Something that some people would rather eat their own arms off than do. After this paragraph, there is a picture of what I did. Don't look if you are either extremely faint-hearted, or a self-obsessed twat with more hands than IQ points...

Don't hold your pissy breath, Mr Facebook...

That's right, I deactivated my Facebook account.

Now, I know for some people, doing something like that is a big deal. For some, like me, it's nothing. I just logged into my account on Thursday afternoon and went straight to the "Deactivate Account" option, then through the short, but annoying process of saying "Yes, I want to get the fuck off this glitter-covered turd of a site and no, I'm not after attention or a sob-laden plea from a pasty little twat in a suit" several times, before finally getting to the screen that you see a section of above. (The above description isn't the complete truth, but come on, Facebook, do you really need to keep asking "Are you sure you want to deactivate your account?" every time a new page pops up during the deactivation process?)

Anyway, it's done now and I really don't intend to revive my account at all. My mind could well change at a later date, but I really can't see it. The thing is, anyone who knows me well and has done so for a number of years will remember that in the early days of Facebook, you couldn't drag me away from it. I was on there way too much and I was always filling out stupid copy and paste Q & A things to pass the time, but as time went on, I stepped away a little bit from it, I posted less often, got rid of loads of "friends" on there because they had turned out to be anything but. Then, the format of the whole site started to get pissed about with every other week for no real reason or benefit to the user.

I also started to find that along with some long-lost friendly faces finding and adding me on there, there was a lot of long-lost twats trying to add me, then getting shitty when I wouldn't accept their requests. Another thing that started to worry/annoy/put me off has been the staggering amount of personal info that people are prepared to put on their profiles, without any thought as to who can read it all. Then, you get companies endlessly searching the site to make sure non of their employees are bad-mouthing them or uploading pics of themselves vomiting into packets of Corn Flakes, re-sealing them and putting them back on the shelf for sale.

Then we come to the status updates. The fucking status updates. A nice idea, but cocking hell, it's come to signify all that is wrong with the world today. On the whole, people's statuses started out in a fairly light-hearted fashion, sometimes jokey, sometimes serious or sad, but then it was like the whole thing had been taken over by ITV or The Sun and almost every status had been sub-contracted out to sensationalist journos who get the horn over ill-informed gossip and bullying. People started to air their dirty laundry in public. Whole domestic arguments now take place on Facebook via status updates and wall posts. Does anyone really want personal stuff like that displayed on such a worldwide outlet?

It doesn't stop at becoming an interactive version of The Jeremy Kyle Show, though, as that dark, wanky bastard known as bullying has been having a whale of a time on there. It's horrible, it's disgusting and it makes me sick to the point of... well, to the point of deactivating my account and not regretting it one bit.

The whole idea of "Social Networking" (what a smug, twatty term that is. Ugh) is great... if it's handled correctly. Play nicely, don't abuse it, don't abuse other people and don't give out your personal information so freely! I used to love Facebook, I really did, but it has gone so, so wrong. I know not everyone sees it for what it has become, but take a few steps back and look at it. Look at people's timelines. Look at your own. Is that how you want people to see you? Is that actually you? If you want that dream job and you want people to take you seriously, are you really going to achieve any of that if your profile boasts how you love to get "well fuckin stoned at da weekendz"?

To some people, this is going to seem like a load of bitter and twisted bullshit, but this is not a cry for attention, it's more of a cry of despair. Have we really come to this!? Go on, take a look at your Facebook profile and those of who you follow. You might be shocked into making changes. You might even deactivate your account altogether, like I did. You might not change a thing. It's your call and this is all just my point of view and I'm sorry if it seems harsh.

But to those of you who may consider deactivating your account: as soon as I did it, it felt good. It won't change your life, but it might change how people see you.

Also, the name "Facebook" has always sounded wrong to me. It sounds more like a sick scrapbook belonging to a serial killer who is very good with a scalpel.

Ho, Ho, No...Not Yet...

2011-12-07T21:31:00.000Z

It's that time of year again, when everyone is talking about it, there are songs about it everywhere, it's on TV, in the streets... everywhere. That's right, it's that time of year when it's Not Christmas.

It starts in September, usually when the selection packs begin to appear in the shops, followed by the Christmas cards and the wrapping paper, then the tins of sweets, special Christmassy editions of your favourite products (in other words, lots of red or white, fake ribbon and possibly some sort of seasonal pun involving the product's name. "Look, Mummy, I can use Photoshop!") and then the trees and decorations arrive. This has often happened before we've even got into November. Why? I don't think we'd be likely to forget about Christmas if the above didn't happen so early.

Before anyone starts accusing me of being a Scrooge, I'm not. I have nothing against Christmas. I love getting in the spirit, decorating the tree, buying presents for people and the general lovely things that can happen, but do we really need to have it rammed down our throats so early?

Now we are in December, it's not so bad. I'm not in the spirit myself, mainly because I'm stressing out over all the work-type stuff I have covered on here recently, but I'll make an effort nearer the time, I always do. But, one thing that annoys the sleeping piss out of me is the excitement generated by the annual appearance of The Fucking Coca-Cola Christmas Jizz-Fest Advert ® (Official title).

I know this will upset a lot of people, but it's shit! Sorry, but as nice as it is for an ad fan like myself to see an advert return year upon year over such a long period, it's just a load of sugary, fizzy shit. At least the brand association is there, I suppose. I don't know what I find more annoying: the fact that they are basically saying "It's Christmas, so keep making us rich by buying our distinctly unseasonal excuse for a soft drink", or that in an age that has seen big multinational companies such as Coca-Cola become The Big, Bad Fuck Off, people seem to forget what they stand for, just because of shit loads of fake snow, a heavily decorated and branded road train and a song that's so cheesy, your ears are at risk from vomiting liquid Cheddar.

Everything about that advert stinks, in my opinion. I apologise if you disagree, but as I technically used to be Coca-Cola's bitch, I have seen what they are really like and how bad their main product is. But that's beside the point. It's a hollow and tacky advert that should only get you excited if you're 7. By all means, you can be any age and excited about Christmas once we're into December, but if that advert has you wetting yourself as an adult, then you're as bad as those people who take their own Pool cues along to the pub to have a couple of casual games with some mates, or buisnesstwats that get all childish and sulky if they have a bad round of Golf.

I'm aware that this is all making me out to be a grumpy bastard-pants, but I don't mind the Christmas spirit once we are in December. Which we are now. I just think that in the same way it's the season when people easily overindulge on food and drink, it's also when people can overindulge on the excitement and feel they have to spend lots of money, they have to do lots of stuff. Where's the enjoyment, if you pile so much pressure on yourself or peak too early?

Take it steady and enjoy.

And if anybody gives me a bottle of Coca-Cola as a Christmas present, forget the fact the holidays are coming, it's the location said bottle is going that you'll need to worry about.

Calling London

2011-11-22T15:43:00.001Z

As those who know me well have probably heard by now, due to this happening, I have decided now is my chance to move to London. It's been something I've wanted to do for years and I'm seeing this as my big chance.

Now, one option I have been looking into is an internal transfer of my job to a London store, but at this time of year, it is proving to be virtually impossible. As there is just under 2 months left before the store I'm at closes, I'm now doubling... no... quadrupling... no... infinitying (is that a word? It is now. Shut up) my efforts to get a job in London in January so that I can sort out somewhere to live, which is why I am writing this, as I am hoping that all of the lovely people who know me have been passing the link to this post on so that anybody who would like to employ me, or find me some employment can get in touch.

Anyway, allow me to tell you a bit about myself...

My name is Will, I'm 26 and most of my working experience has been retail-based. It's something I don't mind doing, but the more varied the work is in such environments, the better. I have worked for quite a few well-known retailers over the years and I'll be happy to discuss names/dates/duties etc. with anyone who wishes to get in touch.

On a different note from my retail-based experiences, I completed college courses in Media Studies (A-level), Performing Arts (BTEC ND) and Theatre (HND). These 3 courses have given me a huge understanding and knowledge in several areas and it is a career in any related professions that I am really looking for in the long run.

My Media Studies course gave me valuable experience in film-making from various practical angles such as writing, storyboarding, directing, filming, continuity, acting on camera and editing. I was also taught how to analyse and break down various media, including - but not limited to - films, TV programmes and advertising.

The Performing Arts and Theatre courses gave me valuable experience and knowledge of every aspect of performing. We put on all kinds of shows, ranging from pantomimes, musicals, farce and themed variety nights to name a few. We also looked into and frequently carried out behind-the-scenes and front-of-house practises. When the college theatre was equipped with a new lighting system, I became the first student to be taught how to use it as I was the Lighting Director for the next production (A Christmas Carol). I was guided through this process by a highly experienced technician who had done freelance work in Theatre and TV. As a result of this experience, I went on to do the same for further college shows during my remaining time as a student. I also took charge of the lighting for a children's theatre group's show that took place in the college theatre and after completing the course, I returned to light a further show.

The experience I gained from these courses has helped me to secure work in the past, as for 2 years, I was a voluntary Broadcast Assistant for a local independent radio station. My work here mainly involved the live Saturday afternoon sports programme and ranged from researching material, creating instrumental beds, to editing reports, usually within an extremely tight time scale. Although I was mainly studio-based, I did work on outside broadcasts.

Further to the above, I have also written material for the BBC 7 (now BBC Radio 4 Extra) topical comedy programme "Newsjack". I submitted several pieces, including full sketches and one-liners. Several pieces did get recorded and one sketch made it to air, for which I received payment and a writer's credit. This episode was also selected as part of a small repeat run later that year.

So, if you think you might have a suitable London-based position for me starting in January, or you know someone who might do, then please get in touch, either by contacting me on Twitter, or by emailing me at (Email address removed - no-longer required)

Thank you for reading. Please pass this on to as many people as you can.

Thank you again!

Shock

2011-11-15T17:46:00.000Z

I'm not the kind of person who shocks easily, but sometimes, when reality strikes in the harshest way possible, it doesn't hurt, it goes beyond that. It's like being taken out of time and space, as all of a sudden, nothing else matters.

These past few weeks, a lot has been going on in my life. My situation has changed and I'm suddenly faced with lots of options and chances. Things I need to do, not because the planet depends on it or anything, but because I'm still young, a set of circumstances I've been thrown into have provided me with these options and chances and I might not get another chance to take them. To say I have given this situation a lot of thought over the last few weeks is putting it mildly. It's all I've been thinking about. Until these last few days.

This weekend, I found out that an in-law has become very ill and basically, they only have a matter of days left. I won't say what is wrong with them, but to a degree, we all knew it was a high possibility it would come to this. Truth be told, I don't personally know him all that well. Last time I saw him was 7 years ago at my youngest Nephew's funeral and it's more than likely that was one of the last times he properly left his house. He's a nice man. He doesn't judge. He's happy. And he's dying. I know we all do eventually, but it still isn't easy to accept. We all know that. It still hurts as soon as a time scale is involved and of course, even when there isn't, when there's no warning, it hurts. It shocks.

Then, I learned that one of the nicest people I'm fortunate enough to know has had the most devastating news this weekend. After months... years of bad news, they got the worst possible news this weekend. One of the nicest, kind, funniest people I know has only months left to live. I can't begin to imagine how they're feeling. I'm not even sure they know. I've not had chance to talk to them about it. I will, once they've had private time with family, but even then I'm not sure what I'll say. Don't get me wrong, nobody knows what to say. All I do know, is that my heart is breaking for them and their family.

Life can be so fucking cruel sometimes.

There, I've said it. We've all had reason to think that sometimes. I'm not sure if there's anything else I can add to this post. It's going to take a long time to sink in, but right now as I write this, it's approaching 5.30 am and it's all that's on my mind. In saying that, I still have options, chances and things to plan, so I'm going to have to put all of this to the back of my mind at some point today and I know I'll feel bad for doing it, even though I know my friend would be telling me that's exactly what I should do if I was saying this to them. If they read this and work it all out that I'm talking about them, that's what they will say. They're right. Yes, I will feel bad getting on with things later today, but I'll do it.

For them and for myself.

********

I gave myself some time to consider if I should post this. I don't know why...

The Keys & Porridge Of Twitter

2011-11-06T19:30:00.001Z

Hello boys and girls. For those of you that don't do Twitter, or for those of you that do, but don't follow the very lovely @porridgebrain, then you might like to have a look at the Twitter Key Project, the genius idea she has set up that involves taking pictures of orphaned keys she has found or been given.

Each key has a tag tied to it which contains a story that has been tweeted to her (so it is no-longer than 140 characters) and she matches a key to a story, then photographs them in a fitting location. Josie explains all of this in a slightly less cumbersome way on the site, so I suggest you go and see.

Anyway, today she published my story and I feel quite proud and happy to see my words written in her beautiful handwriting. I really think the project is one of the best things on the internet right now and to me, it proves that Twitter is several leagues above Facebook when it isn't plagued with general shitty twatness involving X Factor, Radio 1 or Justin "nobodywillcarewhenhisballsdrop" Bieber.

Please feel free to browse the site and if you are on Twitter, why not give Josie a follow and see if you can come up with a story for a key. I'm sure you can.

I realise this post hasn't contained as much swearing as usual, so for those who are feeling a little short-changed, then keep reading...

Jigsaw Piss.

Happy?

Censorship, My A**e!

2011-10-22T17:26:00.001+01:00

It's just been one of those weeks hasn't it? Everything has gone mad and that's putting it lightly. Hmm... this opening isn't going the way I wanted it to.

Tits.

Anyway, as you'll know from my previous post, I found out a few days ago that the store I work at will be closing in January, which was a nasty blow to us all. Now, as I was writing that post, the big story of the week was unfolding, which of course was the capture and killing of Colonel Gaddafi. I'm not going to go into any detail of the politics of that situation on here, as that is for other people on other sites to do.

What really got me - and indeed a lot of people - was the way our media dealt with the event itself and the double-standards of censorship in this country that it highlighted. I had one of the news channels on the TV as the events unfolded. For a while, the line was that Gaddafi had been captured and wounded and that was all that had seemingly been confirmed. After lots of speculation about if he had been killed or not, most TV and internet news outlets started to "confirm" his death, quoting various sources. If that wasn't enough, they started showing photos and camera-phone footage of his capture.

These graphic images appeared everywhere without any kind of warning... until after you had seen them. Now, the images didn't actually confirm if Gaddafi was dead or not, but they weren't comfortable viewing, not even for me and if you know me well, then you know it takes a lot to make me flinch. Let's keep in mind that when these pictures came to light, it was still late afternoon over here.

If I had turned over to another channel that at that time was showing a repeat of a classic, post-watershed drama, then it would quickly become obvious that most or all scenes with violent/sexual content or swearing in them had been edited down to make them suitable for a daytime audience and also to comply with broadcasting regulations. So, why the hell is, for example, footage of an actor pretending to be badly injured or dead deemed unacceptable for daytime TV, yet uncensored images of someone with what turned out to be fatal injuries is absolutely fine for the same time of day?

The next day, the same situation happened, only in print form, as pretty much every newspaper had one of the graphic images on their front page. As we all know, most shops that sell newspapers tend to have them displayed no higher than an adult's waist height, so anyone can see them, including young children. Now, I'm no prude in the slightest, but who really wants kids to see shelves full of enlarged pictures of someone covered in blood and on the verge of death?

What gets me about that scenario is that in any shop that sells newspapers and magazines, the newspapers and most magazines tend to be at adult waist height and the adult magazines are on the top shelves, therefore out of the reach of children. Now in some such places, especially supermarkets, they refuse to stock a lot of these adult magazines, or they insist on putting them in cellophane bags that obscure all but the masthead on the front cover. That has always riled me, as these adult publications keep the explicit content inside the magazine, opting for a safer image for the front cover, but that sort of thing is still seen as wrong and "must be covered up so that young children aren't subjected to such filth". What about the newspapers the day after Gaddafi was killed?

"So, generic retailer, you take steps to make sure scantily-clad women on the front of adult magazines are obscured from view on the shop floor, yet you're quite happy to display all of these newspapers with gruesome pictures of Colonel Gaddafi on the front. Are you not concerned about distressing young children who are bound to see them?"

"Ah, bollocks to them, they'll be fine, it's only a bit of blood."

Of course, I'm not making out that any retailer responded to the situation like that, but you've got to admit, it's a ridiculous state of affairs. Like I say, I'm not a prude, I'm not easily shocked and I've got a strong stomach. I also believe some people complain far too much about silly little things (The "Down with this sort of thing" brigade) that just don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but what really annoys me are these ridiculous double-standards, when rules and morals are only adhered to when it suits some people.

I really could go on about it for days and I'll probably come back to this subject at a later date, but the events of the last couple of days just touched my "FOR COCK'S SAKE!" nerve, so I had to say something. I know I'm not the only one.

WARNING: This post contains strong language.

Oh, shit.

All Good Things...

2011-10-20T15:35:00.001+01:00

The thing about life is that you really don't know what's around the next corner... unless there's a signpost, or one of those special mirrors... erm...

Upon my recent return to blogging, I mentioned that things had started to pick up, as I had got myself a new job back in June and I was really enjoying it. It's the truth. I can honestly say that out of all of the paid jobs I have had, this is the best one. So, realistically, it was only a matter of time before Sod's Law would piss everywhere.

It all started on Tuesday evening, when we all got phone calls to say an urgent meeting had been called for the following evening. In pretty much any situation, an urgent meeting is not going to be a good thing. So, at 6am Wednesday morning, my colleague and I turned up to unload the delivery of new stock and inevitably, all we talked about was what it could all be about. Within an hour or so, more staff had arrived and although absolutely nothing had been said, myself and my colleague could tell the news wasn't going to be good.

My shift ended that morning and I then had to go through the rest of the day practically knowing what was going to happen, only without any actual confirmation. It was torture, but I kept calm and tried to keep distracted. Then, as I got ready to leave the house and return to work that evening, nerves set in and my heart was racing. I thought I was prepared, but the thought that the facts would soon be given to us was starting to scare me.

I got there early, so hung around, had a laugh with my colleagues, then the Area Manager appeared. Most of us had guessed what was going on by now, that this was it, really. No offence to him, it's just that it all felt like bad news and for the meeting to be called so suddenly and with him in attendance... well, the heavy rain outside might as well have been accompanying a big fuck-off neon sign.

Well, just after 6pm, the meeting started and within 5 minutes, it was broken to us by our Area Manager that our store was to close in January. I had prepared for it all day, but it still hurt. After all this time, I had finally found a job I actually liked with colleagues and management I fully got on with and now all of that was going to be taken away. Gutted really isn't the word. They're going to do their best to help us out individually: within the next couple of weeks, one-to-one consultations will begin with us all to discuss not only our options, but what we would like to do.

Basically, the main options are to stick with the company and try to get a transfer to another store, to look elsewhere for another job and leave before the store closes, or stay on until the end and take redundancy. Well, the last option won't apply to me and it also won't apply to a few of my colleagues, as we haven't been there long enough. Now, despite the fact that we will be closing, the good news (ha... good news...) is that we have until January to find something. By the time I got home from the meeting, I had already started asking a few friends and contacts for helpful details, information and to keep an eye out for jobs for me, because January isn't that far away in the grand scheme of things.

The few people I have told up to this point have been asking how I am feeling about it all. To some people, they would assume it would be obvious (i.e. abso-shitting-lutely awful), but personally, it feels different. I'll admit, I'm heartbroken. I love this job. We all get on, we have a laugh and we look out for eachother. After everything I went through with my last job, I really needed a place like this. It has helped my state of mind so much. I never intended to stay there forever, but I had started to think about giving it a year or two and even then, I probably would have stayed on. But, that choice has been taken away. In 3 months, my colleagues, my managers, that whole atmosphere that has done so much good for me will all be gone. I'm sad and angry, yet I'm accepting it. The decision will not be reversed, so trying to fight it would be pointless and destructive.

Despite the sadness and anger, I'm not taking it lying down. In fact, I'm seeing it as a twattingly massive neon sign. It's time to live, be positive and get out there. I've decided to get my arse into gear and do the things I have been wanting to do for a long time. As soon as the store closes, I won't have anything tying me down to one place. I'm not saying I'm lonely. I'm awake, if you like. Does that even make sense? Shit it, it's staying in.

So, in answer to anyone wanting to know how I feel... I'm sad, angry, nervous, positive and excited. Or sangrousitived. Actually, no... that's a whole bucket of wrong. Sorry.

The one thing that really angers and disappoints me about yesterday though is something I've not told anybody at all until now...

...I was wearing my lucky pants. The bastards.

Cutting Out The Bull & Smelling The Books

2011-10-14T18:20:00.001+01:00

I've always been a supporter of Libraries and I've deemed them a highly useful and important part of our lives, yet rather shamefully, I've only recently re-joined after many years of not having a public Library card. I say recently, when I actually mean... this week... yeah, that's pretty bad, at least in my mind anyway.

You see, I'm one of those people that absolutely loves books. Ever since I was little, I've loved reading and being read to. I'll spare you the fully detailed flashback with my own voice-over and a reconstruction with actors, as I know I'm not alone when it comes to such an experience.

Basically, I love books. I always have and I always will. I'm also a great fan of the internet. It's a fantastic tool when used properly and an utter arse-walrus when it isn't. But, like MP3, digital photos etc, you can't beat the physical presence of an object. The weight of it, the feel, the look, the smell. That is the second biggest important thing to me about books after their content - the smell. You can't beat it. Old or new, it says in a soft, warm voice "read me. Dive in..." And as stupid as it may sound to some people, that is the main reason why I'm not sold on e-books. Ok, so a device such as a Kindle gives an e-book a physical presence of sorts, but the feel and smell are not the same. I'm not saying such devices or concepts are total crap. They do have their uses, of course, but I can't see myself buying one. I probably will in time for one reason or another, but give me a physical book, printed on paper any day.

Your local Library and indeed any Library is a great place for carrying out research - something which I am doing at the moment. Lots of books of interest that are either no-longer in print or you don't really need to buy. Of course, all Libraries now have an area full of computers, so that people can use the internet for a designated amount of time and/or a small fee and in some cases, they have wi-fi hotspots, so you can bring your own device along if you prefer. I don't have a problem with that, apart from the fact it has seemingly introduced a certain amount of noise above that of someone farting, sneezing, coughing or a pile of books being dropped, followed by a hushed, but audible "shit" from the mouth of the dropee... if that's even a word.

Noise aside, it's nice to see that Libraries have embraced the modern world in such a way. The problem that I have, is that since the internet really exploded, an alarming number of people and companies now use it as their main research tool. Yes, I know it's fast, constantly updated and gives you so many options that skimming through the index of a book can't, but it's these advantages that are a massive part of the problem. A problem that way too many people easily forget: anyone can write what they like, when they like, for no good reason and people take it as gospel.

A few years ago when I was still in college, we had to write individual essays for one subject about old traditional dance styles. Our tutor booked some computers for us to use for researching and writing the essay during lesson time, so that she could help fill in any blanks. Of course, we adopted the usual research pattern (well, those of us who didn't go straight to the porn, football or gossip sites, anyway) of "Googling" the subject, then clicking on the first Wikipedia entry that came up. So, there I was, reading the article on Morris dancing, hoping it was a genuine, faithful article and indeed it seemed that way as various facts I had already learned came up in the opening paragraphs. Then about half-way in, one paragraph opened with an unusual sentence...

John Smith is a gay twat.

(Name changed)

That was it. The entry carried on as normal after that. Now, I know that it is all too obvious that someone other than the original author(s) had added that to the piece, as anyone can freely do to Wikipedia entries (though of course, examples such as that often get removed quickly). It sticks out like a decent programme on ITV 1, so you can discard it as someone pissing about. The problem is, some people re-edit such articles, or indeed create them from scratch in order to purposefully fool people or to make them laugh. In other circumstances, people just write these things without doing any proper research. As a result, you get a combination of people lazily copy and pasting from error-laden articles or poorly-trained journalists picking the first suggestion that Google throws up, grabbing anything that looks interesting from it and weaving it into what they are working on, rather than finding more than one source to verify important points. As a result, there is an alarming amount of dodgy "news" stories out there, that people think are 100% true because it's the news and it's on the internet. I'm not saying that every journalist is like that. I do happen to know a fair few and they do their jobs properly.

You just don't get that with books. I'm not saying that books are completely bullshit-proof, but someone can't wander into a Library, pick up a book and re-edit the text within. At most, they could scribble crude messages on the pages in pen or draw cocks in the margins (and I'm not suggesting anybody should do this), but because they are crudely added in biro ink by hand and not through professional printing methods, it's blindingly obvious. So in a nutshell, re-editing Wikipedia articles is the modern-day equivalent of drawing a cock in a book, only it's a little harder to spot... if you don't put the effort in.

I think if people looked at Libraries as a physical internet, rather than a Dinosaur, not only could we help save such services, we could be cutting out a hell of a lot of bullshit.

And smelling the books.

Steam & Snot

2011-10-11T21:20:00.001+01:00

Again, time has passed, not so much this time, but it has been a while and things have moved on a bit. Sorry, bit of a crap way of starting a new post, but all the inspiration I had for one earlier today has now gone to hide under the stairs because it's time to actually write the bloody thing. Anyway, you get the idea...

I finally got a new job in June (which I still refuse to believe was more than 2 weeks ago), I'm really happy there and it is a huge improvement on what I was doing before, when it all went wrong. Basically, that's the main development since May, but it has been a big change. I feel like I'm in a better place mentally. I'm not saying I'm cured, because I'm not. I'm still on my medication and I still get down days, but I 100% know now that I can beat this eventually.

I want to thank everyone again who has been there for me the whole time. Your support has done more than you realise, it really has.

Yeah... I've kind of run out of steam tonight. I have some ideas about stuff I want to blog about, but they deserve their own individual posts, rather than being stapled onto this silly little excuse of an update with snot hanging out of its nose. FOR SHIT'S SAKE, GET A COCKING TISSUE! NO! WIPE YOUR NOSE WITH IT! OH, FOR FU...

Erm... ok... I'll stop now. More stuff real soon. I actually promise this time.

DON'T WIPE IT ON THE CARPET, YOU DIRTY LITTLE SOD!

Fighting The Black Dog

2011-05-11T21:21:00.000+01:00

It has been some time since I last posted to my blog, as you can see and indeed, you probably know if you follow it still (There must be someone who still does!). I can only apologise and try to make up for it in some way... if possible.

When I started this blog some time ago, I decided that it should be as light-hearted and funny as possible, whilst giving an idea of the day to day things that go on in my life and my insanely-wired excuse for a brain. Well, one of the main reasons I haven't blogged since last November is that things haven't been as light-hearted or funny as they have been in the past.

I have been signed off work since Christmas Eve, which is such a long time and certainly not how I wanted things to end up, but things had been building up to breaking point. I don't really want to go into details about the work side of things, but basically, I have been diagnosed with depression. After all this time, it still feels a bit odd saying or writing that word when talking about myself. I tend to avoid saying it, mainly because I don't want to draw attention to it, but also because I worry it will change how people see me. The latter feels silly now I've written it down, as I try to adopt the "fuck 'em" attitude to anyone who makes a snap judgement based on face value rather than bothering to get to know someone, but it's what I've been doing, I've not said it.

When I was much younger, I was an extremely introverted person. I really was "the quiet one" and remained so until my final days at secondary school. After that, I started to open up gradually, speak and stand up for myself more and more. I'm quite a different person now in some respects, but at times, I can still be quiet. I'm not too sure why I'm writing this here right now, but since it hit me at the end of last year, I have gone back to being introvert. I've found myself not talking about things as much as I used to. My social life has become a distant memory. Various so-called friends have stopped talking to me. I can still have a good laugh and there are still people who care, but I feel different. I'm not myself, even when I'm laughing or being silly, I'm not the person myself or those close to me recognise as me.

It's the depression. I am suffering from depression. No, I'm still not comfortable saying or writing it. I'm not ashamed to say it, it's just hard to say. Like many things I suppose, it's easy to talk about, so long as you don't say what it is. I believe it was Winston Churchill who first referred to depression as "The Black Dog" and to be honest, I've done everything to avoid using that term so far because to me, it felt like a way of hiding. Using a fancy metaphor to hide from the blunt truth of the matter. It has taken loads of mental effort for me to write all of this down and I decided early on to talk about the whole "Black Dog" term and my feelings towards it, but then I realised I was just looking for a way to hide behind how I feel and what I'm going through and maybe even hide some of these things. Now I've realised this, I can see what Churchill meant when he referred to his own depression as "The Black Dog". It sticks with you, always there, so dark and hard to ignore. Even if you're in a good situation, the black dog is still there, somewhere.

Since January, I've been taking pills to help treat it. One pill each day. I've had to take courses of medication in the past, but not for such a long period of time. For all I know, I could be on these anti-depressants for years. I just don't know. Most of the time, they do help to keep the black dog at a distance, allowing me to get on and do everyday things, but sometimes they don't work. My chemical balance will just suddenly alter and life becomes very dark and sometimes just plain scary. These changes, these states of mind can come on suddenly or gradually. They can last for hours or days and there's no way of telling. It's quite scary how quickly and dramatically it all changes, just suddenly losing control of your emotions.

What has really struck me is that since my diagnosis and since I've told people what's going on, I've realised how many people I know also have depression and feel the same about how people may or may not see them. Some people just don't talk about it. They get on and hardly say a word to anyone over it. Other people talk most of the time about it and so on. Call it whatever you like, this black dog, this depression... it's a very personal battle, but it's not a lonely battle. No-matter how lonely and isolated I feel during the terrifyingly dark times, when the dog just won't leave me alone, I know I'm not the only one going through it. I know other people are in the same battle and they fully understand. I used to think it was quite patronising when people gave advice that involved the words "hang on in there", but since I've had this and I've been through the ups and severe downs, I've realised it's good advice. It's nothing to do with just putting up with the situation, it's actually the best way to fight it.

I think I've said enough for now. It feels good to have written this down finally, but I've no idea how I'll feel when I upload it and people have had a read. I don't know if this will prove to be of any use to anybody in the same situation, or if this has been of any use at all, but it is my life right now. It may not be the happiest of times, but it's my life for the time being and this blog has been sorely neglected for so long and it just suddenly seemed like a huge waste. I'm going to do my best to update it as often as I can from now on and although I don't want it to become a dark read, this depression is part of me right now, so there will be times when it will take centre stage here, as it often does in my life.

Thank you for sticking with this small novel and an extra special thank you to the brilliant, caring, lovely people who have stuck by me.

Icky Green Nose Shite & Richard & Judy

2010-11-10T16:48:00.001Z

I'm writing this in bed, full of cold. I hate being ill. Well, no surprise really, as nobody likes feeling as if their nose is going to explode, losing their sense of taste and smell and most of their hearing. I hate not going into work when I'm like this because I feel bad, given that there are people out there who can't work because they have far more serious problems or they can't even get a job, but I know I wouldn't have the energy to survive a working day, not forgetting the hygene issues involving the food we serve and all the Icky Green Nose Shite* currently being expelled from my body. Anyway, this is my second day off because of it. I'm determined to be in tomorrow, as I can feel steady improvement and it shouldn't be a long shift (he says, knowing that'll probably change).

Being home ill isn't the same these days. I often wonder if it's anything to do with being an adult, or just how times change on the whole, if that makes sense, which I'm not too sure if it does but sod it, it's my blog so I'll just keep on writing and see what happens. Basically, when I was younger and illness kept me off school, it would often mean being stretched out on the couch or my bed under my duvet watching This Morning with Richard and Judy on ITV or the schools programmes on BBC 2 and Channel 4. Every now and then, my Mum would check up on me/bring me food/drink etc and I'd just spend the daytime letting all this stuff take my mind off feeling like crap.

Somehow, it feels different these days. I think part of it is because I'm now an adult, I've left home, so therefore I'm looking after myself without anyone to check up on me or bring me stuff (though my housemate is being pretty ace when he can be, to be fair). Another part of it is because TV just isn't the same now. This Morning is still there as a programme, but it left Liverpool a long time ago, Richard and Judy left the show not long after and Fred and his weather map are no-longer anywhere to be seen (apologies to non-UK readers, as this is making no sense at all). Aside from that, ITV 1 isn't exactly an inviting channel 99.9% of the time these days.

As for the schools programmes: what schools programmes? The advent of DVDs, cheap players for them and the internet has all but killed off the need for specific daytime scheduling for such programmes, so they've been replaced by anything and everything really. Nothing special. None of it is as distracting, informative or entertaining as the stuff it replaced and it's a very sorry, but true sign of how bad TV has become. As a result, I've spent these last 2 days off trying (and failing) to sleep, watching DVDs and getting nostalgic on You Tube. Hmm, suddenly feeling a little hypocritical. Changes have been promised on the main BBC channels at least, but it's doubtful we'll notice the difference.

Oh well, times change. Nothing lasts forever. Even this year seems to be desparate to end. At least Christmas isn't being pushed as much this year, or so it seems. Think it's time I wrapped this up before you all start throwing things at the screen.

One last thing: if you have a stinking cold and you're finding it hard to breathe, Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle works wonders!

*Official medical terminology**

**Not really

Return Of The Blog

2010-10-01T22:59:00.002+01:00

*Ahem*

Hello? Oh, right, there you are. Yes, yes, yes, it's been a very long time, 18 months pretty much. I'm sorry, I've been neglecting you. I'm back now though and this time I promise to keep this blog updated! I hope you like the slight re-decoration I've done. As for all of you lovely new people who may have only just found this place - welcome! I hope you enjoy what is already here and what will end up on here.

Now, 18 months can go by very quickly, but alot has happened - some of it good, some of it bad and some of it really bad. It has been really tough at times, but with support from the right people, things have been getting better steadily and I'll forever be thankful to those who have been there all the way through. You know who you are.

On a lighter note, I have changed jobs yet again, last September I finally moved out of Oswestry and I now reside in sunny Shrewsbury and in February this year I passed my driving test first time! I was so nervous and so convinced I had screwed it up, but I passed! I've also been part of another 3 Memorabilia's with the Fantom Films crew. All have been excellent and I've bored alot of friends stupid with my experiences at all 3, so I won't go into it here! That's basically most of what's happened... well, the edited highlights. Oh yes, not forgetting I've finally had some of my writing broadcast, as I've been writing for a BBC 7 series called Newsjack and one of my sketches made it to air during the first series last year. With my writer's credit and BBC contract, I think I can call myself a writer now... sort of.

Anyway, I think that's enough for this post. I've covered the main points of the last 18 months or so. I promise to keep this thing updated properly from now on. If I start to lapse, please kick me!

Dreams & Sunshine

2009-03-18T21:08:00.004Z

Dreams can be very strange buggers. Whole bizarre episodes can evolve from one small thought or incident in the day, no matter how innocent.

Yesterday, for instance, my brother was showing me the Woolworths chocolate he had bought from Cooltrader (a discount supermarket, from which you can buy many oddities, currently including the aforementioned chocolate from the sadly-missed retailer). It was no big event, as they've been stocking it for some time now and I think all I said was something along the lines of it being nice that the memory lives on or something. That was it - I thought nothing of it, went to work as usual, came back to my brother's place and did a few things while I was still awake, before going to bed. Then it all went strange...

I had this dream that I was in Oswestry (ok, so that was more like a nightmare, but let's not go off-track here!) outside the old Woolworths there, only it had re-opened with a slightly different name (though I can't remember exactly what it was). It was just before opening, yet the glass doors where already open, as it appeared they where infact broken and couldn't lock. I could see members of staff sort of sitting on the floor, waiting for the place to open. Things go briefly hazy until opening time, when crowds of people, including myself enter the store, finding it selling exactly the same things, only the interior was looking rather shabby and more like how it used to be until the refit a few years before it closed.

I distincly remember seeing shelves of DVDs and CDs together, yet I then recall going up some grotty staircase to an upper level (the Oswestry Woolworths only ever had a ground-level shop floor), where more of the usual Woolworths-type stuff was on display. To one side, there was a room that once entered, was roughly the size of medium/large shop unit (much like HMV in Shrewsbury for those who know) that only contained CDs. All very strange and I can't remember anything else about the dream, but I seem to recall feeling quite disappointed when I woke up!

Thankfully, today didn't turn out to be a disappointment in the slightest - the sun was shining and I had a mission! This mission, which I chose to accept, was to help my good friend and colleague Rachel buy some bits and bobs for a body painting photo shoot she is doing on Sunday (she is really very good and I've promised to put a link to her website on here once it is up and running, so watch out for it... star in the making!). We thought it would take a while to get everything she needed, but it only took an hour in the end and as the sun was shining, we decided to have a walk and talk and just enjoy the rest of the day. We even decided to visit the Military museum at Shrewsbury Castle. Bit of a random decision, but anyone who knows me, knows I love random events and decisions like that so it was all good! All in all, a very nice day.

Before I go, I would just like to wish my very good friend Phoebe good luck, as she has recently qualified as a Dog Groomer and now has her own business. She grooms her first Dog tomorrow, so good luck and congratulations, I knew you'd get there!

Time Flies (When You Can't Be Bothered)

2009-03-16T16:38:00.004Z

*Blows dust and cobwebs away from seriously neglected blog*

Whoops!

I must apologise. Not for the first time, I kind of stopped writing for no real reason. Where did the second half of 2008 go? Coventry? Really? Oh... it could have told me.

Anyway, without wanting to write a huge essay, I'll quickly fill you in (oh, Matron!) on the basics. I went to London for my birthday, had a great time and even met Catherine Tate, I got a new job that is far better than my last job and I would go as far as saying it is the best job I've ever had. I've also met Russell T Davies (who I ended up mixing up my words with - the end result was we ended up talking about "Doing Billie Piper". Seriously, it's not what you think... well, unless you're Russell T Davies...), and in November I was lucky enough to spend some time with the ultimate Davros - Terry Molloy (He of recent Casualty/Harry Hill's TV Burp fame) and Jamie - AKA Frazer Hines!

Just before Christmas, I was visited by My lovely friend Elisa who saw for herself how bad Oswestry really is. Up until that point, she thought I was just being silly but no, Oswestry really is that bad! Christmas itself was nothing to shout about from my point of view and new year was even worse, as I came down with that evil cold/flu bug everyone was getting and it took ages to shake off!

I entered 2009 still suffering and off work because of it, but was soon back, then back off again as I had some holiday owed to me, so off I went down to Bournemouth for a few days to catch up with Elisa in much nicer surroundings. The hotel was lovely and very cheap, even though I was seemingly the youngest person there. I'm not ageist or anything, but it was really scary for the lift doors to open, revealing a huge queue of smiling pensioners in Reception!

After my holiday was over, it was back to work and the start of driving lessons! Yes, I'm learning to drive, so watch out!!! Apart from spending alot of time with some very lovely friends (you know who you are!), not much else has been going on... well apart from getting a message from Chris Foreman of Madness!!! Sorry, had to boast there, I just had to!

Well, that's basically what I've not been writing about. I didn't think there would be much to put here, but I was wrong. Why couldn't I have been better at writing essays at School and College?!

Fun times, fun places, same old Cheesecake.

Fuelling The Panic

2008-06-13T19:30:00.003+01:00

Not much has changed in the last 2 weeks - I've been busy with work and spending most of my time in Shrewsbury, which is quite a big plus really. Oh, and a division of The Smug Brigade® gave me some money, so things aren't too bad at all really, even though my social life has seemingly disappeared again, though hopefully only for a short time while I get things sorted.

At least last Sunday I finally managed to meet my good friend Kate who I've known for just over 6 years since meeting on the Red Dwarf Web Board. It's a bit shameful really, seeing as she only lives in Wrexham which really isn't that far away. Oh well, was really great to meet at last and to get to meet Danny John-Jules for the second time!

Apart from that and work, not much else has been going on in my world however, a certain national matter, or rather the way it is being covered in some sections of the media, has been annoying me. Now, I actually agree with the drivers as I do feel they deserve more money for transporting such dangerous substances around and helping to ensure it is safely delivered to the tanks within the fuel station(s) it is destined for and let's face it, their protests have nothing to do with the ridiculous price of fuel at the moment, as we know whose pockets are being lined as a result of that. Like anyone who has a job that involves a heavy amount of danger and responsibility, they deserve a good wage.

Anyway, I'm straying from the point. What's really pissing me off is that certain areas of the media are covering the story in a way that provokes panic that wasn't there in the first place. Ok, so this strike is lasting 4 days and naturally, alot of stations hit by the strike will either come close to or actually run out of fuel before Tuesday. But because some reporters and their editors like to cover the story along the lines of "Panic buying hits the UK's petrol stations as a 4-day strike cripples the nation's fuel supply", the situation is made worse as people start to think that everyone else is rushing to get the last few drops of fuel before it all runs out, so everyone ends up in huge queues outside their local petrol stations, using up fuel while they wait, then when they get to a pump, fill their vehicles right up to the top before going home again.

Enough people do this so that panic needlessly spreads, pictures of this panic starts appearing on TV, the Internet and Newspapers and soundbites are taken out of context on the Radio. This all causes more panic so that petrol stations not directly "under threat" from the strike end up being drained dry by the new wave of panic buying. As a result, the whole situation is far worse than it should have been and all the wrong people end up getting the blame for it!

I must stress that I am not saying all news outlets are like this, but it's because some are like that, we end up in these sort of situations. So if you geuninely need to fill up your Car/Van/4x4/Monster Truck/Noel Edmonds because the needle is getting close to the red, then go to the petrol station and put in the same amount you usually put in and carry on as normal. If you have enough fuel already to get you through the next few days, then have a nice weekend, take it easy on Monday and Tuesday and as the cover of a certain useful intergalactic book says... DON'T PANIC!

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

2008-05-31T17:25:00.004+01:00

It's always typical that the weekend after a Bank Holiday is far superior weather-wise. Then again, I stayed in Shrewsbury last weekend and I'm back in Oswestry for this one, so I guess it's Fate's cruel way of balancing things out... the bastard.

To be fair, I've spent most of the last week in Shrewsbury as a combination of house/cat-sitting for my brother and for the pure fact it's much easier to get to work from his place. It's also meaning I'm getting out more and starting to have something that vaguely resembles a regular social life, even if this week it was just a case of propping up the bar in Reflex and having strange conversations!

Things really do feel like they are changing. Even at this stage though, I can't exactly say it's all changing for the better, as that no-mark Fate does like to piss on the electric fire now and again. Some of it is good, some of it is bad and some of it is just... well, strange really. One of the strange things is that our next-door neighbour for the last 19 and-a-bit years has just bought another house and will be moving out in the very near future. He's always been a very nice bloke and you honestly couldn't ask for a better neighbour. He's always gone out of his way to help if needed and we've always done the same - even by bringing in his clothes off the washing line if it's started to rain while he's been out of the house. Just simple, neighbourly things that really do make life that little bit better.

When he was telling my parents this morning that he'll be moving out, he was reminiscing about his time here and how nice it's been to see me growing up and how he remembers me at his housewarming all those years ago and other little things that I feel slightly ashamed to have forgotten as it appears that he never has. I could say that it's a case of not knowing what you've got until it's gone, but we've always known how lucky we've been to have such a nice neighbour and friend. As to who will move in after him is anybody's guess. It could be someone nice, or it could be someone not so nice but to be honest, I think it's a sign that it's time to move on and make changes happen. Afterall, we've been here longer (22 years this September) and I really do believe that there's no better time than this year to move out. I certainly intend to find somewhere and I'm beginning to think I'm not the only one in this house with such thoughts.

We shall see...

There At The Top

2008-05-16T23:41:00.005+01:00

Well, after enduring 3 days of pointless smugness (and hot drinks full of ants... but that's another story), I had an interview last Friday at The Works - a shop that sells Books, Arts and Craft materials and other nice things at discount prices. Understandably, I was very nervy as it was my first job interview in ages, but I soon relaxed as the store Manager - who was my interviewer - was really nice and took time to explain things.

All in all, the interview went really well and I admit I was quietly confident, but decided not to get my hopes up too much, so I just made my way over to my old college, as I was going to be helping out with a show. It was nice to be back there among familiar faces, but strange at the same time because things had moved on. To be there working on a show and not have the pressure of coursework didn't feel quite right, but there was still pressure there in the sense of helping to get the show ready - something which I've never forgotten and don't think I ever will!

I got stuck in: finding out what exactly needed doing, watching the rehearsal, helping out with stuff in general etc and basically putting the interview out of my mind. About 2 hours passed when I got a phonecall that I guessed would be informing me I had not got the job. I answered and was greeted with "How would you like a job?" in a familiar voice - familiar because it was very distinct and I had heard it earlier that day - it was my interviewer, or as she was now to become once I had said "I would love a job", my Boss!

After all this time, I had finally got a job! Nine months of disappointment at the hands of The Smug Brigade® and various ignorant bastards and I can now tell them where to go and draw a map for them if they need one! To hell with it, I'll draw them a map anyway... I don't care!!!

I started my job on Monday and I'm loving it. Everyone has a healthy dose of insanity, so I feel I fit right in! On a more serious note, the whole training set up seems really good so far and is actually the best training I've ever had for a job. A really big-bastard-massive "Thank You" to everyone who has been there for me/put up with me through the last nine months, especially a few close people (hope you know who you are) who listened to my depressed rants practically every day but always did what they could, even if it was just to listen. You all made things that little bit easier.

As for the show, things where very tense at times and the pressure really was on, but it went ahead and was well-received and performed brilliantly. Another one for the memories - well done to all involved!

Right now, I'm tired and my contact lenses are having a fight with my eyes, so I'll leave it there. As someone once said some time in the past:

"Something"...

...Yeah.

Bastards & Pain

2008-05-01T21:03:00.004+01:00

Apologies for the lack of updates for nearly a month. It's not exactly like I've had no time to write anything, it's more of a case that things haven't exactly been fantastic, so I've not really felt like writing for a while and thought it best not to bring you all down on a regular basis.

I've still not got a payed job and it really is frustrating as well as de-motivating. The Smug Brigade* aren't being of any real help as always, going through the same routines and not really giving themselves a positive image by appearing to react to everyone in the same way. I understand that they have to deal with alot of people and that alot of these "punters" aren't making any real effort to find work when there's clearly no reason for them not to (I'm not including anyone who has an actual reason for not being in work, as I know there are many) and that it can be hard to tell who is telling the truth and who isn't without actually knowing people on a personal level, but they must have a certain amount of bullshit shoved at them on a regular basis, so it should be relatively easy to spot the bullshitters. I've been exposed to quite alot of it over the years and I can easily spot a bullshitter if need be!

I'm now being pushed onto another Council initiative that is supposed to be completely different to all that have gone before, but after having it explained to me on Tuesday, about 75% of it sounds exactly the same. The upside to it is that I won't have to get up at Stupid O' Clock and travel half way around the world to get there... and that's it as far as the positives go. The rest sounds smug and pointless as usual. It starts on Tuesday and runs between 8 and 13 weeks and I reckon it'll be one heck of a miracle if I can get through the first day, let alone the rest of it.

Away from that, I've been having trouble with a Wisdom tooth that has suddenly decided to make it's entrance into my mouth. Now I've always known that it can be a painful experience, having seen both my nephews go through it as babies along with the sprogs of some friends over time and I've always felt sorry for any little chap or chapess when they've gone through it, but after these last few weeks of occasional, random hours/days of pain that painkillers can't always deal with, teething tots all over the world have my every sympathy! At least the lucky buggers can eat Rusks without looking strange!

Apart from all of the above, there really hasn't been much going on and there haven't exactly been bags and bags of positive things. I admit there are one or two things to look forward to, but I'm not really going to be at my best until someone gives me a chance and gives me a job, so that I can start earning money and getting on with my plans and doing what I really want to do!

*see previous post

The Cheetah, The Gazelle & The Smug Brigade

2008-04-03T19:06:00.006+01:00

This week has worked out better than I first thought it would. No, I've not gone insane and no, the 2 week course isn't loads of fun - I just didn't go!

Before fingers start wagging, it wasn't a case of me skiving off becuase I couldn't be bothered, but a case of me waiting on a phonecall from a job I had applied for the previous week. They had been in touch at the weekend and said that they'd call on Monday with the chance of an interview the same day. So I thought rather than miss this chance of a job by going on a pointless course where they would tell me how to get a job, I'd stay at home and wait for this phonecall that could actually lead to a job, thus saving my time and that of the smug brigade.

As it turned out, the phonecall ended in me finding out they had been a tad misleading, in that they had said they where looking for someone to work Monday to Friday, when actually they only wanted someone to work on a Saturday - the one day I can't do! Thankfully, I got another call in the afternoon from a possible job and that sounded more positive, so the day wasn't wasted at all!

The last few days have been fairly quiet, though I admit I've been pouncing on the phone every time it rings... well, not literally jumping on it like a Cheetah does to a Gazelle, as that would result in the computer monitor being knocked off my desk. Not to mention the injuries I'd be likely to sustain.

Today, I had to go to the Job Centre to explain why I didn't do the course, despite the fact I explained it all on Monday morning after the robot from the course told me to phone them. When I got there, I was made to fill out a statement explaining why I didn't do the course. Why couldn't they have written my explanation down on Monday!? No wonder they always seem to be running late in that place! The statement will now be given to some independent bod who will decide if I should lose 2 weeks of my allowance or not. I left the building feeling like I'd been fitted up for some crime I hadn't comitted, all because I didn't go on this pointless course so that they could pretend they had one less figure on their list of unemployed... oh sorry, I'm supposed to say Jobseekers. Excuse me for speaking STRAIGHTFORWARD ENGLISH!

And relax.

I'd Do Anything (for a job... within reason!)

2008-03-26T20:36:00.002Z

Dear Mr Tudor,

Further to your recent application for the position of (title removed to protect the smug), unfortunately on this occasion I am unable to offer you the courtesy of an interview. I have appointed an applicant with previous (bleep) experience.

However I will keep your details on file...

Blah, blah, blah, you know the rest.

Another rejection letter, another morning started off in a way I didn't want. I hate rejection letters. Ok, so nobody actually likes them, but they always seem smug and inhuman - a brush-off, if you like. What gets me the most are letters like the above one I got today that have that extra little something to rub your nose in it, which in this case is the mention of the successful applicant having previous experience. Not only does that feel like a kick in the teeth, but it proves my point that too many jobs these days rely on you having a certain amount of experience in the exact same line of work being advertised. How the hell can you have experience if no one will take you on without it!?

As you can tell, my search for a payed job still feels like it's going nowhere. I was hoping to have one by the end of this week, but it's looking less and less likely as every hour passes. The reason I really want one by the end of this week is that next monday, I'm due to start an intense 2-week course thing run by the council. By intense, I mean shite, as the basis of it is being told how to get a job and being made to look and apply for jobs under supervision. The "fun" doesn't end there, as I will have to get a combination of taxis and buses to get there and back each day, meaning a very long journey either way and alot of money spent because of it. I'll be given some extra money as an incentive and a tiny amount of my travel costs will be met per mile however, I doubt my daily travel will cost less than £10, so these "gestures" don't really amount to much.

Basically, I'm really desparate for a job now and as my friend Phoebe (who is in the same boat job-wise) said earlier:

Don't you just feel like running into somewhere and screaming "Please give me a job. I'll clean your toilet, I don't care!"

Couldn't have put it better myself. I just want something... anything (within reason) so that I can get some money in and not have to endure 2 weeks of bloody smugness! It'll be worse than being forced to watch GMTV non-stop Monday to Friday for 2 weeks, I know it will!

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB! I'll clean your toilet with my tongue if I have to!!!*

*Think I might actually draw the line at that.

The Madness Begins

2008-03-24T23:21:00.003Z

Well, here it is - I've got myself a proper blog at last! I'd grown a bit tired with the the old one, which I had done on my MSN space and My Space. They both felt a bit limited in some respects and I just thought rather than writing the same blog on 2 accounts so that different people could see it, why not write it once in a place everyone can go to if they wish? So, many months after my last blog entry, I've finally done it.

I stopped writing because my life had started to go round in circles a bit: I had finished college, I had hardly any money and I felt trapped in Oswestry without a payed job to keep me going. It's still like that, as the Job Centre has been leading me around in circles and smiling in a very smug fashion along the way, but I'm feeling more positive about things now.

Over the last few weeks and months, various things have happened to me. Some of them have been good, some of them have been really bad and some of them have involved cheese (which is part of the good stuff, but I feel it merits a mention of it's own). Anyway, all of these things have made me think about things (even the cheese) and make some changes. The most important change is that I'm now more positive about things and if something is possible, then I'll do it - this blog "reset" is part of that.

That's it for now really. All I can do is promise that I'll try and post something here on a regular basis. Let's see if it lasts! ;)